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Who Does the Chasing?

Mazal Tov, they’re engaged, soon to be married. When is the wedding? The date hasn’t been set yet; the invitations aren’t even printed. And how did they meet? Actually, he caught a glimpse of her one day and from that very first moment he knew she was the one. He pursued her until she agreed. Ah, so who made the proposal? Do you even have to ask? It was him of course!

So why is it that men, who thrive on appearing confident and in control, traditionally get down on a knee and beg? (1) Women tend to be much more comfortable with asking for what they want. Women don’t perceive the ask as a weakness. Men, especially successful men, are almost always uncomfortable with begging so why do they love to beg this one time?

No man enjoys the feeling of submission as he gets down on a knee, his heart in his throat, secretly dreading the possibility of rejection. Yet, given the chance, no man would give it up. To be sure, in the modern day, many women are thrilled to make the proposal, but it is still true that the traditional proposal with all its inherent fanfare is the secret wish of every romantic heart. Why is that?

The very first courtship the Torah describes was between Isaac and Rebecca. Rebecca didn’t pursue Isaac. Isaac pursued her. The servant Eliezer, embarked on a long journey to find a bride for his master’s son. He didn’t wait for brides to come knocking, he went looking for them. Further, when Rebecca was finally found, her consent was solicited. She never proposed to Isaac, it was Isaac, through Eliezer, who did the proposing. Why did Abraham set it up like that? Why not the other way around? (2)

Until today, a proper Jewish wedding entails a single ring ceremony given by the groom to the bride. The bride doesn’t betroth the groom. The groom betroths the bride. There are those who take umbrage, thinking this a slight to the bride, as if she were purchased like chattel. Actually, nothing could be further from the truth. The man seeks out the woman, asks for her hand and betroths her because the woman is a gem. And the gem doesn’t seek out an owner. The owner pursues the gem.

Builders and Makers

Our sages, in their inimitable way, put it thusly. The nature of a man is to conquer, not so the nature of a woman. (3) To conquer means to make what is not mine, mine. To leave my mark on something that was once different from me. What is mine, reflects me. Conquering means to bend it to my will. To make it reflect what I cherish and value.

What does the man conquer? Not his bride, but the world. G-d commanded Adam fill the world and conquer it. From whom would Adam conquer the world considering that he was the only human alive? From G-dlessnes. Adam’s task was to take a world that was unaware of its creator and teach it about G-d. It was his task to make an unholy world holy. To remake the world in G-d’s image. By doing so Adam would conquer the world for G-d.

He would do it by building a home for him and Eve and by creating a family unit. He would teach the family about G-d and together, as a unit, they would become exponents of G-d’s warmth, love and benevolence. They would become ambassadors for G-d in this world, reshaping it and remaking it till they bent it to G-d’s will. They would conquer the world.

This was an awesome task for Adam, but what was Eve’s role? After all, when G-d instructed Adam to have children He surely intended for Eve to be involved.  The answer is that Adam was tasked to build a house for G-d and Eve was asked to turn the house into a home for the difference between a house and home is the touch of a woman. (4)

Though men build strong and beautiful houses only the woman can suffuse it with warmth. The spark of life that spells the difference between hard fact and true living is the woman. Bare walls are adorned with beauty, empty cupboards are filled with life. Where there was silence there is now sound, where there was stillness there is now heart. This is the touch of a woman.

A man builds the home. A woman is the home. Our sages described women as the mainstay of the home. She sets the tone and standard, she establishes the values and aspirations for the entire family. She fills life with heartfelt moments that will  be cherished for decades to come as precious gems of memory.

This is why the man seeks out the woman. The builder must take action to build. The mainstay of the home, its foundation and spirit, doesn’t take action. It already is all it needs to be. All she requires is a home in which to be it. She sits back and allows herself to be courted and when she finds the right person she consents and makes them both happy. He, for the spark of life around which he will build a home. She, for the house he will build that she will enliven with her spark.

Special and Valid

This is why a woman values a man who treats her like royalty and makes her feel special. The woman is special, she is the gem, the core of the family and the life of the home. When she finds a man who understands her and appreciates her value, she is happy. There can be nothing more miserable for something of value than to have no outlet and there can be nothing more uplifting than to have one.

Men don’t need to be made to feel special, they need to be validated. It’s ironic, but true. The man, strong and hardened as he is, enjoys nothing more than to be validated by his wife. Man seeks validation because his life’s lot is to build, but his building serves no purpose until the woman completes it. Nothing is more disheartening than to build an empty shell. When a woman fills his home with life and love, he feels validated; his sense of value and self worth are restored. He has made a contribution. He has fulfilled his purpose. (5)

The woman needs to feel cherished for what she is, the man needs to feel accomplished for what he does. Neither is complete without the other. A house that is not a home is a cold and useless shell. A home without a house has no anchor. It is only when man builds and woman fills that the synergy of marriage is created. It spins its magic and waves its wand sparking happiness forever more.

Footnotes

1. To be sure, getting down on a knee is a common rather than a particularly Jewish tradition.But it is a Jewish tradition that the man does the pursuing and the proposing as our sages wrote (Babylonian Talmud, Kiddushin 2b.) it is the nature of man to pursue the woman, it is not the nature of the woman to pursue the man.
   
2. Genesis Chapter 24.
3. Babylonian Talmud, Yevamos 65b.
4. Men are good at seeing opportunity. He sees an empty lot and envisions a building. He sees gloom and envisions change. Men build a better tomorrow. Women see today’s potential. Where things seem unpromising women see promise, where a woman sees misery she nourishes joy. Where men see hard facts, women see soft angles. Where men see straight lines, women see subtle curves. Men are good at changing the status qous. Women are good at revealing how good the status qous actually is. Where men want to build a house for G-d in this world women like to reveal that G-d is already at home in this world.
5. This essay is based on the concept that the beginning is wedged in the end. Man contributes the brute effort that building a house entails. But the woman adds the finishing touches that turn it into a home. The original vision that spawned the entire building effort was of a finished home. It is only when the woman puts the finishing touch to the home, the family or to G-d’s home as discussed in this essay that the highest point of all, the seminal point of origin that inspired the entire undertaking, is reached. This is why the man’s contribution, though larger when measured in terms of sheer effort, depends on the woman to be made complete. Her contribution brings the project to its conclusion and fulfills the vision we had (or in the world’s case, that G-d had) in the very beginning.

Abraham and the Philistines

When Abraham and Sarah visited the Philistines they neglected to mention that they were married. Abimelech, the Philistine king, soon requisition Sarah for his harem, but G-d appeared in Abimelech’s dream to warn him that Sarah was a married woman.

Abimelech summoned Abraham and asked why he wasn’t told of their marriage. Abraham explained that when he observed no fear of G-d among the Philistines he feared that if they knew about his marriage they would kill him to get at Sarah. Abimelech released Sarah and the story ended happily.

What led Abraham to conclude that the Philistines had little fear of G-d. Our sages explained that this became obvious to Abraham from their discourse. When he arrived to town, the people he met asked him all about Sarah, wanting to know if she was married, but had no questions about his plans for lodgings or meals. From this Abraham deduced that they were an uncouth and unprincipled people.

A Contemporary Tale

The Torah doesn’t tell stories for the sake of storytelling. In fact the Torah carefully sifts through the many stories of our history and selects only those that contain an eternal message for us. This story also contains a message for all people at all times.

Just as Abraham and Sarah were married to one another so is there a marriage between everything in our world and its purpose. The purpose of work is to provide for family. The purpose of eating is to gain nourishment and live. The purpose of living is to serve G-d. The purpose of courting is to marry and the purpose of marriage is to build a home. The purpose of building a home is to have children and the purpose of having children is to forge a new link in the timeless chain of our people. We forge this link by raising them to study Torah, observe Mitzvot and serve G-d.

At times, however, we become so obsessed with the means that we forget entirely about the end. We lose sight of the forest because we become obsessed with a particular tree. Rather than working for the purpose of supporting our family, work becomes the largest objective of our lives. It consumes our mind most of the day and drains most of our energies. By the time we come home at night we are too tired to spend time with family. All we can think of is sleep.

When the weekends arrive we look forward to some time off, but rather than sitting with our children to review what they learned in school and to hear about their week, we take time to sleep in, socialize and catch up on chores around the house. Before we know it, the weekend has passed and it is time to get back to work. Another week has passed and our children have seen little of us, again.

This hectic pace eventually catches up with us and we feel the need for vacation. We book time off and fly away to an exotic location for a week, where we finally relax, unwind and spend time with family. Yet, as soon as the vacation is over, we return immediately to our old habits.

For many, golf is the Achilles Heel. The game of golf also has a purpose. Its purpose is either to unwind so we can refresh and recalibrate or to conduct a particular piece of business on the course. But for many, golf becomes an obsession. We snatch every extra moment to perfect our game and all we can think of is how to improve our swing and score. Meanwhile, our spouses are at home with the children waiting in vain for our return. At the end of the game, when we finally return, we have no time for them because it is late and we have to rush off to our next appointment.

There are those, who couldn’t care less about golf, but their passion is professional sports. Following professional sports also has a purpose, to provide an outlet for entertainment and a constructive framework for the release of pent up energy.  Yet, there are those who become overly obsessed with following their team, catching the game and learning the meaningless statistics of every player. They are elated when their teams win and distraught when their teams lose.

For others the obsession is not sports, but alcohol. Wine has its merits as a sacramental drink. It also serves as a social lubricant to stimulate free flow of conversation. Yet there are those who turn the alcohol into the entire purpose of a social event and ultimately end up disrupting the event.

The internet is a constructive tool for a wide array of things such as business, academia and Torah teaching. Yet it can become an obsession that drains time from family, work and even sleep. The internet is especially destructive when the sites we visit are not entirely appropriate.

All of the above are examples of turning a means into an end. Everything that exists is married to a purpose. When we utilize it for its purpose it serves to enhance our ability to lead noble and purposeful lives. When we forget their purpose and indulge in them for their own sake, they become vices. Vices don’t enhance lives, they destroy lives.

Abimelech took Sarah for his own pleasure, conveniently oblivious to the fact of her marriage. This is the equivalent of us indulging in our vices for our own pleasure, conveniently forgetting that G-d made everything for a purpose and that our task is to marry the object to its purpose by utilizing it properly.

A Matter of Speech

By the time a weakness becomes an obsession, it is usually too late to escape it without professional help, a great deal of dedication and a protracted battle against our own vices. The trick is to catch the weakness before it takes over. To notice the telltale signs while they are still innocent and take action at that time. The question is where do we look for these telltale signs?

Abraham taught us that our predilections and weaknesses first become noticeable in our discourse. If the subjects that interest us most and that we discuss most revolve around our own passions and we talk little about family, values, faith, goals and higher aspirations, it is time for introspection. If we find that we spend a disproportionate amount of time talking about a particular pursuit, be it work, golf, sports or film it is a sign that we are beginning to turn this pastime into a vice. Rather than controlling it, it is beginning to take hold of us.

Though it is merely a matter of discourse and appears quite innocent at the moment, we must remember that it is a sign of a burgeoning problem and problems don’t begin when they are obvious. They begin rather innocently, but left unchecked, they grow beyond control.

The proper response is to take heed post haste, put on the breaks immediately and limit our exposure to that particular pursuit.  If we act quickly, we can gain control of the problem before it becomes a problem. Which is, of course, our ultimate goal.