The Ark
It was a building party. Hammers banging on anvils, saws cutting through wood, artisans weaving designs, all crafting, fashioning, designing and building a magnificent home for G-d. They set up the structure and spread out her covers. They readied the altars, show table and candelabra, but before those could be brought into the Tent of Meeting, the sacred Ark adorned by its flying cherubs was ushered in first. In the ark was the single was important artifact the nation owned. The tablets of law, inscribed by G-d Himself.

The moment the ark was in place the curtain was drawn and the Holy of Holies cordoned off. The Ark, the holiest object the people owned, was rarely seen in public again. The show table, candelabrum and altars were all important tools of worship, but they paled in significance compared to the ark. These were exposed, glimpsed on a regular basis, but the ark was for the most part veiled. (1)

Why do we veil the most important element of our connection with G-d? Would it not have benefited the nation if the ark were prominently displayed so they could bask in its sacred aura?

The Entire Self
In every marriage there is a moment when the essential point of connection springs to the forefront. That moment is a thrill, but it is also fleeting and when it passes the ordinary flow of the relationship returns. This moment is when the marriage proposal is offered and accepted. It has a feel of timelessness about it for in its own way marriage proposals are eternal. The charm of the exchange can fuel a relationship for a lifetime.

This moment is inspiring and transcendental because in the offering and acceptance of the proposal each party makes an intrinsic gift of self.

When seeking a perspective match we carry a list of requirements in our heads. When we are introduced to someone we immediately match them up against our mental list. If they meet our criteria we figure the relationship has promise and the courtship begins. In courtship we learn more about each other and slowly click off the points on our list. He meets this one, but fails that one, she fills this one, but is short on that one. Slowly we make a judgment. If we meet most of each other’s requirements a proposal is not long in coming.

We make the proposal because we believe that the person to whom we propose satisfies most of our needs. But what our spouse offers to share when accepting the proposal is not merely the parts we checked off on our list.  By saying yes, bride and groom offer their very selves. The entire package, every aspect, the parts we deserve and the parts we don’t, the parts we asked for and the parts we never knew about, the depths and the intricacies, the complexities and the nuances, the intellect and the emotion, the past and the future; an entire person, an essence, is offered to us.

We feel humbled and undeserving. And yes we feel grateful and thrilled. We are forever indebted in love for the simple act of saying yes. At this time we aren’t thinking of what we bring to the relationship. At a moment of such sanctity, that would be self centered and narcissistic. When faced with such an exquisite gift there is no room for narcissism. At such moments it is impossible to think of self. At this time we can only be humble and acknowledge the enormity of the gift. In return we commit not only to love, but to worship. Worship at the shrine of our love.

One would imagine that this moment, this enchanted thrill, would last forever, but that’s never the case. After the wedding, husband and wife settle into the routine of life and become a team. They address problems together and find solutions together. They enjoy fun times together and build their family together. They love each other and that love only grows, but the enchanted marvel and the thrill of the gift is not part of their everyday experience in married life.

Nursing the Gratitude
In a healthy relationship husband and wife return to that space every so often. This enables them to not only love, but also to cherish and so long as they cherish they won’t feel entitled to each other or take each other for granted.

Even after marriage we aren’t entitled to each other. We give ourselves to each other as a choice. We belong to ourselves, not to our spouses. And when we choose to give ourselves to the ones we love it is a gift to which spouses are not entitled and for which they ought to feel grateful.

There are entitlements in marriage. If I do my part I am entitled to the part my wife does. But a marriage is much more than doing a part or giving a portion of ourselves. Marriage is about giving our entire selves and no one is entitled to the whole of me. To ensure that it isn’t taken for granted we put that part of ourselves in a sacred place and bring it to the fore only on special occasions. It might be an anniversary, a birthday or a special getaway to celebrate our relationship. These times are the heart of a relationship. (3)

At such times we recapture some of the magic we felt at the moment of proposal. We return to the thrill we felt when we received the gift of our spouse’s intrinsic self. These moments fuel the relationship so that even when the tedium of routine wears our spirit, our gratitude and respect remain in place.

The Gift of the Ark
This is why the Ark was concealed behind a curtain to be glimpsed only on occasion. The Ark represents the Torah and the Torah contains the essence of G-d. (3) G-d gave us His very self through the Torah and we can never allow ourselves to grow familiar with G-d. There are aspects to the Torah that we deserve. His commandments become ours when we perform them. His teachings become ours when we absorb them. But His essence is never ours. It is always His. And that he gave it to us is a gift that we can never earn, a gift to which we are not entitled and a gift that we may never take for granted. At this gift we can only marvel and feel its thrill. To this gift we can only respond with humility and gratitude.

When the ark is behind the curtain we become aware of how intensely private and G-dly this space is. When the High priest enters it once a year or when the curtain is drawn for the nation to glimpse on special occasions, the thrill of the moment is dramatized. This thrill enhances our awe, our reverence, our gratitude and, yes, even our love for Hashem. The ark was the heart of our relationship. (4)

Footnotes

1. Exodus 40: 20-21.
2. This doesn’t mean that we don’t give ourselves entirely to our spouses all the time. It means that we don’t focus on this part of our gift on a regular basis. On a daily basis our focus is on the nuts and bolts of the marriage rather than its core and thrill. This way when the marriage is celebrated and the relationship is reinforced the thrill of its essence is so much greater.
3. Shemot Rabbah 33:1.
4. This essay is largely based on Rashi’s commentary to Exodus 31:18.