Nurturing Emotional Growth
This week we will read a combined Torah portion. The first is called Matot, the second is called Masei. Matot, at least in the context of this passage, means tribes. But mateh also means a stick. Matot means sticks, plural. Masei means journeys. The Torah delineates the forty-two journeys our ancestors took during their forty years in the desert.
Sticks and journeys. On the surface, they are unrelated, and perhaps even opposites. A stick is firm and unyielding. Journeys are all about flexibility. We don’t remain in place; we grow and change. Yet, the portions with these two names are combined in this week’s reading and there must be a lesson here.
A stick is a metaphor for discipline. Most problems in life can be corrected with a healthy dose of discipline. If we slack off, we can give ourselves a firm talking to and administer a dose of discipline. That will get us back on track. If we are not feeling well but too lazy to go to the doctor, our spouse can deliver a well-aimed rebuke, and we will be off and running. If we overspend on a shopping spree, we can discipline ourselves and return unnecessary purchases. If we are out shopping, we can give ourselves a stern lecture and rein in the spending. Much can be accomplished with a stick.
It cuts even deeper. If we tend to lash out at people and say mean things, we can reflect at the end of the day and give ourselves a stern lecture. Tomorrow, regardless of the trigger, we will speak politely. If we belittle people or dismiss their ideas, we can force ourselves to act respectfully. If someone asks us for a handout and we don’t feel like giving it, we can use the stick to make ourselves share.
The Inner Narrative
The stick, however, has its limitations. It can be very effective in governing the way we think, talk, or behave. We can use brute emotional force and inner strength to force ourselves to think, say, and do the right things. However, the stick is powerless against the inner wound that causes us to act out this way.
We don’t act out in a vacuum. We act out because we are emotionally wounded or broken. We lash out at others because it is easier than acknowledging our feelings of inadequacy, shame, or emptiness. We might feel inept because someone was cruel to us in our childhood. Because we feel this way, we hear it in everything people tell us. We examine their tone of voice, their choice of words, and their facial expressions, among other things, all to detect traces of disrespect. When we find it, we are triggered. We lash out at them for their disrespect, when in fact it is the narrative in our own head. It is, however, easier to lash out at others than to face our inner demons.
We are uncomfortable with vulnerability, so we are desperate for control. We feel like we need to master our lives and control every detail. We worry that if we fail even marginally, we will confirm our inner narrative of ineptness. We play the blame game. We blame ourselves for everything that goes wrong, but because it is hard to acknowledge this blame, we project it on others and blame them.
This is deep, complicated emotional stuff. We are driven by fear and insecurity, inadequacies and failures. We live in fear of someone discovering our true selves. We live in even greater fear of acknowledging it ourselves. Instead, we project strength and sometimes aggression. We demean and treat others unfairly. It is all a cover-up for our inner narrative.
The Essential Truth
The absolute shame of it all is that none of this is true. It is all in our head. We are not inadequate, we are exactly as G-d made us. There is no shame in failure; it is part of the human condition. We are not ugly, scarred creatures; we are gems of beauty. We are not disrespected; we are cherished for our incredible strengths. If we could only see ourselves as others see us, as G-d sees us, we would not feel this way at all. But we don’t. We don’t think G-d sees or notices us. We think we are beneath His attention; He only notices us when we do something wrong, and it’s time to bring us to task, but on a regular basis, we think we are too small for Him to notice.
Nothing could be further from the truth. G-d knows us intimately. He knows our strengths and our limitations. He made them. He made us. He made us exactly as He wants us. He loves us just as we are. We are perfectly equipped for the purpose G-d assigned to us. We are beautiful and special in His eyes. If only we could see that.
We don’t because we suffered trauma at some point in life that left us feeling isolated and abandoned. It left us feeling ashamed and small. It left us feeling that we are on the outside when everyone else is on the inside. It left us feeling disrespected.
It is our deepest, darkest secret, and we don’t want anyone to discover it. The big, bad truth is that every person we know carries a very similar secret. There are very few people who are perfectly synchronized, their inner and outer aligned in flow. Most of us are fractured, broken shards, charred and scarred by current or past emotional or physical trauma.
There is no need to hide, and there is no need to be ashamed. It is a universal truth, and we all nurse it in private; in abject dread of being discovered. We are all petrified of others discovering just how frail we are. When we finally find comfort in our own skin, and learn to embrace and love the inner us, we learn to be comfortable around others and discover that they are beautiful inside their broken shell.
The Journey
This is not a healing that can be accomplished with discipline. It can’t be achieved with a stick. It is a lifelong journey of healing and self-discovery, self-realization, and self-actualization. It takes decades, and we may never reach the ultimate end because no matter how far we go, we can always go further.
This is a healing that can’t be achieved with brute strength, but with self-love, nurture, patience, and understanding. We need to soothe and comfort our abused and traumatized selves until we are comfortable in our own presence and then in the presence of others.
This is the journey of life. The Baal Shem Tov taught that the forty-two journeys described in this Torah portion are the journey of life. It is a journey of discovery that allows us to realize that we are not isolated, empty, or alone.
Wherever we go, G-d is with us. This is not because G-d accompanies us, but because we are part of G-d. G-d is the only actual reality; nothing else is real except as part of His exclusive oneness. We exist as part of G-d and are a vital part of His perfection. We don’t need to master or control our lives. We need to be guided by G-d’s wisdom and surrender to His control. We need to see ourselves as He does and learn how beautiful He thinks we are.
Combination
It turns out that the names of the two portions are not unrelated; they are a continuum. We can’t begin the inner healing until we have solved our outer problems. We must first heal the outer aspects that require discipline and strength. Then we can start the process of inner healing; the journey of nurture, soothing, validation, acceptance, and self-love.
May we all arrive at our destination whole and healthy. And may the journey be pleasant and reassuring every step of the way.
