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Home » Ki Tetze, Marriage

Ki Tetze: The Strongest Marriage

Submitted by on September 10, 2016 – 10:47 pmNo Comment | 2,476 views

A Marriage

“Ah, Marriage,” sighed a middle aged man. “The other day I was admiring myself in a full length mirror and I asked my wife whether she would still like me when I am bald, fat and old. ‘I do,’ she replied.”

Marriages are notorious for one-line zingers, but we tell them with a twinkle because as much as we mean them we really don’t, and as much as we don’t mean them, we really do. Marriages are complex relationships. Men and women are so very different and yet, thrown together, they have to make a life.

We come up sputtering and sighing, but we always come up. Emotions are intense, when we love, we love absolutely and when we argue… well, I’d rather not say. My wife might read this one day…

Ladies and gentlemen, I kid you not. There are marriages out there that are placid and calm. The love is constant, the disagreements are nonexistent and the serenity is unbroken. Those relaxing marriages are healthy, but they aren’t fiery. The combustive sparks of a live wire marriage spread in every direction, but the sparks radiate a heat so intense, a passion so aflame, that passerby can be singed.

Three Stages

An old man once said, “When we were young, I talked and my wife listened. When we grew older, my wife talked and I listened. Now we both talk and the neighbors listen.”

That is a sad marriage. It is true that every marriage is a three ring circus, engagement ring, wedding ring and suffer-ring, but it is meant to progress over time, not deteriorate. In a good marriage, couples will argue, but then they will heal and grow. The pain of suffering and flame of argument, generate a searing heat that forges a powerful bond. Husband and wife are welded by the intensity of their emotions.

Thus we come to three stages of marriage. In the first stage, husband and wife encounter their differences, argue over their disagreements, and slowly and painfully resolve their issues.

In the second stage, the naïve promise of romantic bliss has worn off, a realistic and rock solid bond has emerged and they realize that their butting of heads has brought them together.

During the second stage, they don’t want to go back to the first. They don’t want to revisit the difficult times, they don’t want to recall the arguments; it is like a sore wound they’d rather not reopen. A scab has grown, the wound is covered and it is best to let it heal.

The third stage is the most powerful of all. In this stage the couple has grown so attached that nothing will shake them. They can go back to the old times and pick at the old scabs. They can poke fun at their own silliness, laugh about their ordeals and even remember them fondly.

What is so fond about those searing arguments? That it sealed their bond. In the first stage they only saw red. In the second stage they only saw white. In the third stage they could begin to see yellow–they arrived at stability. They began to see a pattern. If not for stage one, they would never have had stage two. Stage one was not a nightmare to escape. It was the key to stage two and should be treasured.

It is only now that they realize that stage one was a necessary part of the process; it was part of G-d’s plan. They might have wished for a calm marriage like the ones I mentioned earlier in this essay, but that would never have resulted in the fiery passion they enjoy today. The flaming love and searing endearment are like a sphinx that arises only out of stage one’s ashes.

They can finally see that stage one was a necessary part of their marital process and they can look back to it fondly.

Marriage with G-d

In the first stage we are distant from G-d. We can only see and care about our own interests. In the second stage we start to learn about G-d and discover His infinite magnificence and splendor. Our scope expands to take in His broad spectrum and we cannot be content with our finite personal concerns.

The more we understand, the closer we want to be. We study, pray and fulfill His commandments, all in an effort to draw closer to G-d. We think back to stage one and are astounded by our own foolishness. A powerful yearning to draw ever closer to G-d burgeons as we hope to make up for the time we lost in stage one. We can’t believe we were once capable of such self-obsession. We can’t imagine being so oblivious to G-d’s incredible majesty.

Stage two is wonderful, but stage three is even better. In stage three we begin to revel in the memories of stage one and explore each one fondly. We realize that stage one was carefully orchestrated by G-d. He deliberately created us in a way that concealed the awesome truths from our minds and allowed us the illusion of separateness.  In stage three we appreciate that G-d created us to be self-absorbed with the expectation that once we would discover His greatness through Torah study, the distance would generate an intense yearning to be closer to Him.

We are no longer ashamed of our former thoughts and no longer revile our former self. We know that without stage one we would never have reached stage two, let alone stage three. It is the distance that makes the heart grow fonder and that was G-d’s plan from the very beginning.

Over Your Enemy

This explains a curious aspect of a Biblical Verse. The Torah says, “If you go out to war over your enemies, and the Lord, your God, will deliver him into your hands.”[1] We know that when the Torah says over your enemies, it means against your enemies. But the fact remains that the Torah said over your enemies, which means that when we first go out to war, we are already over our enemies. If we are over them, why do we require G-d to deliver them?

The Chassidic masters offered a novel non literal interpretation. They explained that the enemy alluded to in this verse is our inner voice of temptation. In stage one it feels as if the enemy is in control and unless we make the effort of transitioning into stage two, it will remain so. But it is only after we cycle into stage three that we realize that the enemy was never in control. From the very beginning, G-d was in control. We were always over our enemies. They were never a real threat. It was only an illusion to generate the yearning that resulted in stages two and three.

in the coming year, may we find our way out of stage one and into stages two and three. Amen. [2]

[1] Deuteronomy 21:10.

[2] This essay is based on Likutei Torah ad loc. And a talk given by the Lubavitcher Rebbe OBM on 7 Elul, 5719.

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