Finding G-d
This week we marked the anniversary of the destruction of the first and the second Holy Temples in Jerusalem. This is without question the saddest day in the Jewish calendar. On this day, on the ninth of Av, we reflect on our exile and the many troubles we experienced. We also reflect on our coming redemption, but sadness is certainly the order of the day.
It is, therefore, surprising that the Torah portion we read this week contains the following rhetorical question: “Who is a great nation to whom G-d is near as He is to us whenever we call to him?” The timing seems off. If ever there was a day when G-d seemed distant, if not absent, it is the ninth of Av. On this day, this question doesn’t seem rhetorical. It seems unanswerable. So why do we read it this week?
The Yud
To answer this question, let’s examine the Hebrew word for who, which is מי—a mem followed by a yud. The yud, a mere dot, is the smallest letter in the Hebrew alphabet. Yet, it is the first letter of G-d’s name. The great G-d’s name begins with a tiny letter because G-d’s greatness is unfathomable to us. What we can know of G-d is infinitesimal like a dot.
Though we can’t understand G-d, we can experience G-d. We experience G-d most when we suffer. When we are healthy, wealthy, successful, happy, etc., we become familiar with G-d’s blessings. Its hard to see past the blessings to know G-d, the source of the blessings. He is beyond our ability to comprehend. When we suffer and question our very existence, we stop living for the enjoyment of life. Our reason to live becomes life itself and that is when we experience G-d.
When we are filled with misery, we delve deeply into existential questions such as life’s purpose and true nature. We conclude that the mystery of life is beyond our comprehension, and we live it because it is a sacred gift. We come to appreciate life itself and develop an intimate relationship with G-d.
Bottom To Top
When life goes well, our blessings flow from above to below. When our blessings cease and we find meaning by delving deep, our blessings come from the bottom up. They are not generated by G-d above. They are generated by us below. And that is when we experience G-d.
Like life, the Alphabet can also be arranged top to bottom or bottom to top. When letters are arranged from beginning to end, they are top-down. When they are arranged from end to beginning, they are bottom-up. In the word מי, the letters are arranged from end to beginning (bottom-up) since mem is later in the alphabet than yud. This makes מי a bottom-up word. It means that the מי question is only asked in bottom-up times of suffering when our blessings are self-generated—from within and below.
in times of distress, we ask critical, honest, and probing questions that begin with מי. Who am I? Without G-d, what do I amount to? With such questions, we come to experience G-d.
Top To Bottom
When life is good and we are not soul-searching, we don’t ask מי questions. At such times, we are in top-to-bottom mode as our blessings flow from above to below. In this state, we see our blessings, but we don’t see past them to G-d. Same for letters: When the Alphabet is arranged top to bottom, the yud, which is earlier in the Alphabet, comes before the mem. When that happens, the word מי turns into ים, an ocean.
Oceans conceal and lock away their blessings. The ocean teams with life, but the surface hides and keeps them from us. We can’t reach the deep fish unless we dive in. The ocean is, therefore, a metaphor for a way of life that locks away our awareness of G-d. Awash in the enjoyment of life we barely think of G-d.
The Trapped Letter
This message is also embedded in the very letters of the word, not just the order in which they appear. The difference between מי and ים is that מי has an open mem. There is access and egress through its bottom left corner. The mem of ים is a final mem; it is sealed shut. What is the significance?
We learned earlier that the yud represents G-d’s name and it is infinitesimal because only an infinitesimal aspect of G-dliness is fathomable to the human mind. When the letters are arranged top to bottom with the yud first, the mem that follows is sealed. This indicates that yud is locked inside the closed mem and the human mind cannot access it. We can only see the infinitesimal visible part.
When the letters are arranged bottom to top, with the mem before the yud, the mem is open. This implies that the yud is accessible. We can access the mem to find the yud and the yud can emerge from the mem to embrace and comfort us. In distress, we find comfort and in comfort, we gain intimacy with G-d.
The Cherubs
There were two golden cherubs in the Holy of Holies, one male, the other female. The Talmud tells us that when Jews followed G-d’s wishes the golden Cherubs embraced each other demonstrating intimacy between G-d and us. When Jews turned from G-d, the cherubs miraculously turned from each other.
When Titus entered the Holy of Holies, the Talmud informs us that the cherubs were facing each other. G-d seemed to have abandoned His people and allowed marauders to trample His Holy of Holies. Jews seemed to have sinned so badly that they were irredeemable, and the Temple unsalvageable. How could this be a time of intimacy between G-d and His children?
Because the deepest intimacy arises from the greatest suffering. Suffering forces us to look beyond ourselves to find purpose, depth, and a reason to keep going. Never is our love for G-d and His love for us greater than the day we experience suffering. On the ninth of Av, we relate to G-d from the inside out, from the bottom up, and from the back front. At such times we ask existential מי questions and our mem opens up. Our ים (ocean) becomes a מי (question) and it releases the secrets it withheld.[1]
The Honest Question
It follows that the passage we read this week has two faces. Until the ninth of Av, we ask it with deep probing. Indeed, where is this nation that G-d responds to whenever we call Him? He seemed most unresponsive on the ninth of Av. Has he abandoned us? Is there still a nation to whom G-d is responsive? מי, who and where is that nation? What do we amount to?
Then we experience the ninth of Av and realize that G-d’s response doesn’t have to come in the trappings of material goodness. They are not always wrapped in prosperity and pleasure. Sometimes it is wrapped in suffering and simplicity and is all the more profound for it. When we learn that, the question changes from unanswerable to inspirational. It becomes a rhetorical question.
We go from an ocean of suffering that conceals the hand of G-d to an awareness that deep inside the suffering sits G-d in all His unabashed glory. He answers with His presence and love. He is here because he loves us and that is all we need.
Once we accept this existential truth, G-d fills our lives with material blessings again. This time, rather than lead us to hedonism and selfishness, they lead us to gratitude and intimacy with G-d. May that day come speedily. May our hostages come home and may we experience our national redemption now. Amen.
[1] It is fascinating to note that there is an alphabetical code called at-bash: The first letter (alef) becomes the last letter (taf), the second letter (bet) becomes the second to the last letter (shin), etc. In other words, the at-bash code goes back to front, or bottom to top. In this code, the yud is supplanted by the mem and vice versa. This means that ים becomes מי in the back-to-back or top-to-bottom at-bash code.
